In Defense of Airbrushing

You won't find me taking this stance often...airbrushing! It leads woman to have unrealistic standards for their bodies! It makes men expect that all women look like Barbie dolls! It enabled Cher, of all people, to be on the cover of Vanity Fair!

But OK, in this case...maybe the folks working on branding 14th street as the MidCity Art's District should have considered their own artistic reinterpretation of the sign in this picture's background. Thanks to The District Curmudgeon for posting this hilarious pic.

Out of Boy Toys!?

Thank you, foodnetworkhumor.com, for warning any nearby cougars about the devastating boy toy shortage.

Cute Puppy of the Day

The Dailypuppy.com posted this picture of Gibson the English Springer Spaniel...a breed that holds a special place in my heart, as my childhood dog Chelsea was a Springer Spaniel.

Signs That You are in a Terrible Chain Restaurant

During my daily blog review (I check several on a daily basis), I ran into one from U Street Girl about ChiDogO's, the Chicago-style hotdog place opening up near 14th and U. I had no idea that Chicago-style hotdogs were even a thing (I mean, they already have pizza), so I checked out their website.  Sheesh I haven't seen so much red and yellow in one place since I was in Chi Omega in college. After reviewing the menu, I have concluded that this new establishment is the Jumbo Slice of hotdogs. I haven't found any info on their intended hours of operation, but I'm assuming they will be catering to (cough cough exploiting the captive audience) of late-night, drunken eaters.

U Street Girl's commentary about the name pretty much sums up my sentiments...ugh. But it did get me thinking about a blog post I've been mulling around for a while...are there ways to know, instantly, that you've unwittingly walked into a crappola chain restaurant?

Here are my initial thoughts:

The name is a little too punny. I mean, I love puns. But ChiDogO's? My sense of humor is questionable, and even I know that's terrible. OK you're not a chain,

The decor theme is simply "Americana." You know the type. A Mickey Mouse figurine is on the wall, right next to a picture of Marilyn Monroe, which was hung over a fake oldtimey photo of farmers, which is adjacent to a reproduction of something by Jasper Johns, and oh what the hell let's add in some 1950's black and white checkering somewhere.

It's like a 9-year old European child's idea of America threw up all over the interior of this restaurant. ("Oh also, let's add a sweet picture of the Simpsons in here!") There is no cohesion, no overarching theme or relationship to the food...just hodgepodge.

There are too many options on the menu. Like, there is no way that 'authentic' Thai lettuce wraps, chicken curry, rustic pasta primavera, and ceviche are all prepared well by one kitchen. Pretty good chance you're getting a lot of pre-mixed, pre-packaged ingredients that are being heated up back there.

There's a theme to the cuisine...and no one who grew up in the pertinent culture would ever eat there. I mean, how often have you seen someone take their Italian grandmother to an Olive Garden?

You see commercials for them on TV. I cannot think of a single restaurant TV commercial I've seen that wasn't a chain. Bonus points if a jingle is involved.

They distribute coupons. Maybe you'll eat this crap if it's discounted? On that note, I did recently receive a coupon for Ruby Tuesday's, and look forward to eating there ironically.

They take their mascot a little too seriously. OK, you have a rooster on your sign. That's cool. What's not cool? That his name is Cocky the Rooster, he wears a cowboy hat, makes multiple goofy appearances on the menu, narrates all your radio ad's, and occasionally makes in-person appearances. That Cocky the Rooster is a multitasker. I heard his album drops this fall.

The dessert costs $5, and it is the most beautiful piece of pastry-work you've ever seen. Yeah...that beautiful Oreo pie? That Key-Lime pie with the elaborate lime and whipped cream construction? That perfectly gooey lava cake? That was mass-produced by a machine, frozen, and shipped to the restaurant in a box, where a 'pastry chef' cuts it into slices. Oh but don't worry, all the slices will be even, because there are pre-made indentations showing said 'chef' where to cut.

Can I tell you a story? I once worked at a restaurant claiming to specialize in cheesecakes. They made NONE of them. Every single flavor and variation was made elsewhere and shipped to them, where the Cheesecake Chef (complete with white coat and jaunty chef hat) stood in the very public chef station, cut them into slices, and topped them with whipped cream. The boxes were not allowed to be brought into the highly visible, glass-walled chef station. Clearly, the intent was to imply that each cheesecake had been freshly made on location. What a sham.

The food is not exotic, but there are still pictures of the menu item on the menu itself. OK, if you're running a restaurant that serves cuisine potentially unfamiliar to the general public, I give you a pass. Maybe the consumer should see a picture of Stir-Fried Grasshoppers before they order it. But, I know what a cheeseburger is. I don't need to see a picture of it.

A frequent offender here is often the drink menu. Super choco-mudslide-kahlua smoothie-a-colada? Trust me, the complicated, layered drink you see in the picture is not what your $2.13 an hour bartender is making for you. Oh and now you have diabetes. Congratulations.

The menu overuses hyperbole. Someone decided that the name of every menu item must overuse descriptors. Why order Chicken Fajitas, when you can order "Super Sizzlin' Texas-style Mexicali Chicken Fajitas!" How about "Rockin' Rustic 4-cheese Ravioli with Multi-Herb Fresh Spring Pesto*?"

(*Don't worry, no herbs were harmed in the making of this pesto. It's been chemically re-engineered from sodium bicarbonate and contains no herbs, thus requiring no refrigeration. It may also cause cancer in lab rats).

If you see the following words on a menu, run. You're in a crappy chain..... Slammin' (no G. There's never a G.) Dynamite, Twisted, Decadent, Jammin', the letter "N" used to denote "and," such as "Shrimp 'N Chicken," Irresistable, Fiesta, Steakhouse when used to describe anything other than a steak, Sinful, etc

The wine list consists of only Sutter Home, Kendall-Jackson, and--maybe if you're lucky--Yellow Tail. OK that is a snobby comment, but I'm not going to pay $20 for a $5 bottle of wine. Bonus points if they serve Franzia.

The menu refers to people who do not actually exist. Grandma Medici's Florence-style basil marina? You just took a name of an Italian historical figure and added Grandma in front of it, didn't you?

Hipsters Can't Love?

If the internet says it, you know it's true

In defense of hedgehogs

Once upon a time, I watched a You Tube video that really made me want a hedgehog. Here it is. I don't necessarily expect anyone to watch all 3+ minutes, but you should at least watch until the 30 second mark because he starts cutely flipping around (instead of somewhat looking like he's frantically trying to get out of the tub). If you can at least watch for a minute or so, it starts to get pretty cute. Although, I'd recommend mute, because the cooing lady in the background is super annoying.

I got many many questioning comments from my friends about wanting a hedgehog...and I finally ended up not getting one. Not because of peer pressure, though. The story goes something like this....I had found someone, a friend of a friend, who had a hedgehog and said that I could come over and check it out. I did. It did not go well.

So OK, let me explain something to you. A hedgehog is really sharp. I realize that sounds stupid. But you look at those damn pictures and think...oh, I bet he's a little pokey but if you pet him the right way it probably feels soft. Ok, maybe not soft. But at least not like picking up a ball of needles. However, ball of needles he is. A ball of needles that is deathly afraid of you. And might bite you. And has a substance on his spines that irritates your skin. And in spite of all this, a strange tendency to crawl into your pockets or sneak down the back of your jeans. Sigh...

So maybe this is more "in defense of me at one point thinking I wanted a hedgehog." However, in true defense of hedgehogs everywhere, I think this person had a crappy hedgehog they hadn't socialized very well. I mean--look at how cute it is on the You Tube video! And you know everything on You Tube is real! (Kidding with the last statement...I don't want to start hearing about that now).

Encyclopedia Article for "Baby Got Back"

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia.com

 To quote a section of this Wikipedia article (OK not enclyclopedia article, persay):

"Mix-a-Lot also briefly touches upon the roles that ethnicity, nutrition, and physical fitness play in determining the shape and size of the female buttocks. He recommends that any exercises performed should be limited to the abdominal area. He cautions against a fitness routine strenuous enough to diminish the heft of the gluteal muscles. Though he offers no broad dietary guidelines, Mix-a-Lot contends that the dish "red beans and rice" is an important food staple for maintaining healthy buttocks."

Classic.

Proof's Designer Revealed

Recently, I mused about Proof's strangely designed bathroom, and who would design it--such a jarring contrast with the restaurant's interior. Ironically, I got my answer a few days later from DC real estate blog DCMud.

It's Grizom Dwight, of Grizform Design Architects, who has also designed DC restaurants PS7's, Tonic (Mt. Pleasant and GW locations), Tackle Box, Cava, and most recently the new 14th street/Logan Circle spanish restaurant Estadio (pictured below...I actually think it looks very nice)



Photo of Estadio's interior, courtesy of DCMud

 Here is the infamous women's room in Proof...judge for yourself (the picture really doesn't do it justice):



Photo, courtesty of Grizform Design Architects


And the men's room at Proof (complete with naked lady):



Photo, courtesy of Grizform Design Architects

 That got me wondering...are all of his bathrooms weird? After flipping through some more pics on GDA's site, I found this snapshot of the men's room in PS7's...are those fishbowls on the wall, next to the urinals?



Photo courtest of Grizform Design Architects

 And actually, come to think of it, now that I realize he designed the Mt. Pleasant outpost of Tonic, I'm remembering another jarring bathroom that I personally experienced at brunch a few weeks ago...

Photo courtesy of Grizform Design Architects

The above photograph really doesn't do it justice...there are various portraits of musical artists arranged in a collage, including some people I would rather not have starting at me while I'm using the toilet (read-Marilyn Manson).

Bathroom Humor: DC's strangest restaurant bathrooms

While reminiscing about a recent dinner at 1905, a new U street restaurant, I thought about what I liked and didn't like about the experience. Strangely, the bathroom made the "did not like" list. It was just...strange. A dirty bathroom obviously diminishes the quality of a diner's experience, but does a weird one have the same effect?

Specifically, 1905 had some sort of strange, saloon style double doors on the bathroom. This is probably a nod to the tight space in the bar area, where the bathrooms are located. But I think it actually compounds the issue, since you're going to spend 20 seconds lingering in the space while you figure out how to open the damn things. And seriously, when you're leaving the bathroom, you feel like you're busting into an old-timey saloon for a stick up. Fail.

That got me thinking--I've experienced some other very strange bathrooms in my many dining experiences.

Take Zengo, an Asian fusion restaurant in Chinatown. The are no doors. Just beads. Your lack of privacy is furthered by the fact that this bead door is right next to the kitchen...with clanking dishes, you're constantly reminded that just on the other side of those slinky beads, busboys and serveres are whizzing past. As I was exiting the bathroom, I contemplated how stupid this bathroom was. Clearly, I had a look of contempt on my face, because a very confused girl made eye contact with me as she entered through the beads. She looked perplexed, then concerned, then embarassed. I realized that this girl didn't know I was frowning at the idiotic door. She thought I was looking at her bead-door-confusion and sneering at her. She doesn't know how to walk through a bead door? What a rube. Don't you know that bead doors are all the rage this season in Paris. Oops.

But I think the restaurant that takes the cake is the wine bar Proof, also in Chinatown. The bathroom is a complete departure from the restaurant interior, which is all dim lighting and classy wood finish...you know, a wine bar. A little too dim, actually (they have custom-made flashlights that they hand out for you to read the dessert menu--seriously). And then you get up to go to the bathroom. What the &*$!. The women's bathroom walls are outfitted with a garish silver and neon pink argyle patterned wallpaper. In the diamonds of the argyle are cartoon depictions of women's lingerie. The mirror over the sink is a stylized, pop-art pink heart. The men's bathroom (so I'm told) is all black and features a larger than life naked woman. I mean, I've never actually seen any children here, but I feel like there should be a disclaimer. Warning. The ladies room is PG-13 and the men's room is rated R. I wonder what genius designer talked the restaurant owner into these bathrooms.

Hungover Owls

I think my sorority affiliation skews my liking of this very random site.

Captcha Art

I've never actually gotten a real word from one of these, but the random phrases listed here are hilarious!

HEMA website

Here is the website for HEMA, which is apparently some kind of German retailer. Wait for the page to load (laden) and then don't click anything. Wait for a few seconds and see what appears...cute!